Anna Beddoes to Davies Giddy, 5 March 1808
Saturday – evening March 5th 1808 [1]
If I have not the power of making you happy, believe me I have not the will to make you unhappy — even supposing I could do so — you seem to think I feel revenge, this sweet, as you call it, I never have, nor ever shall I taste – my feelings are of a very different nature, but indeed I little thought they could now be of the consequence to you that you so kindly say they are — I am capable of appreciating your character, and this is saying a great deal for my own — When you are married I shall feel more at ease — at present I do what I can to think as little of you as possible that I may not think too much but it is not unpleasant to awake suddenly and suffer the tears to roll down. I cannot tell you for why nor have I any distinct idea of what oppresses my heart — Why should I feel resentment where I am certain of the most disinterested xx affection — Do not think of me, do not grieve for me, but consider me as the sister whom chance has interested most anxiously in your fate — Have you injured me by raising me in my own eyes! – by selecting me for the friend in whom you dare confide all your thoughts! — So far you have injured me that you have taught me to feel how ill I am calculated for such a situation – yet I still hope to deserve it in time. It gives me great pleasure to find that you think of the days we passed at <Oxford> with sensations somewhat similar to my own — those days are gone bye and now I feel their value I have a wish, but it cannot be though it would injure no one & it is perfectly innocent —— It really was not from unkindness that I did not write before but a sort of apathy, and my dear friend when I did write I am conscious that my expressions were hard — but time will soften them and you will not probably think about them — Our feelings you must be aware insensibly change according to the circumstances in which we are placed — It would please me if you would burn my letters after you have read them — I cannot even now write such as ought to be kept — yours very affectionately
AMB
Endorsement: 1808 / March the 5th // Direct the undirected to / Miss Thompson / Rathnally / Trim [2]
Notes
[1] Saturday evening is written in Anna’s hand. The date had been added alongside it in Giddy’s hand.
[2] Rathnally House, where Maria Thompson had grown up, is downstream from the village of Trim on the north bank of the Boyne, County Meath, Ireland.