Anna Beddoes to Davies Giddy, c. 12-13 May 1801 [1]
How truly kind you have been – And do you not despise this creature you have saved. Oh no you say, I am now worthy of your friendship – and your dear sister you will not forbid her to call me sister – Good man – you have made me good, I never, never will be otherwise – I am sorry I troubled you with my last – but since I did I will wait to see what your answer will suggest, this is the copy of the letter I have written [2] ——
‘Since your absence I have reflected much upon the nature of the Friendship you so warmly professed for me, & which I did not discourage as I ought to have done, had I thought as much at the commencement of our acquaintance I should have escaped falling into the errors (calling them by the gentlest name which I have done) and saved myself much uneasiness – a feeling that must ever accompany the slightest deviation from rectitude, in a sinner not habitually bad. – When you first expressed yourself in a manner that I ought to have heard with indignation – I told you that most women would have thought themselves insulted, but that in these things I did not think with the generality of my sex – I told you truth. I spoke as I then thought, nor did it then occur to me that a man of the world as you are, who have made similar attempts must have attributed my conduct to motives that I blush to imagine – I do not say this to reproach you – I acknowledge myself alone to blame – something you must have observed in my manner – that henceforth no eye shall ever see which gave you reason to think you would not be repelled – the event proved that you were not mistaken – Sensible as I now am, that I have done wrong, I must be bad indeed, were I to continue so doing – time will shew the sincerity of my sentiments better than any assurances I can make – When I was most happy in your company, and, that I often was you too well know I always suffered so much anxiety, that I wished for the entrance of a third person, to put an end to a tete a tete which perhaps a little time before I had wished – you have seen enough of my weakness, it is now time for you to know that I am no longer the weak woman you left me. – I am the wife of the best of men, I have been unworthy of his extreme tenderness – I shudder to think how unworthy I might have been. my whole study shall now be to restore, and preserve to him the heart, which except in moments of folly ever was, & ever will be his, from duty gratitude & affection – You have been called, and so you are in many respects a good Husband – in all let me entreat you to be so now, – while your heart was estranged, partly at least from your wife, had she not penetration to discover by your forced attention that she was no longer mistress of your affections everything that money could procure you gave but you knew these were not the treasures she wanted while you withheld your heart – you have now restored it I hope & are living well together; instead of being one of the causes of separating you, let me if I have any influence over you, use it in a good cause by inducing you to behave in such a manner that your own good heart may not reproach you – yes you have a good heart, though it is strange for me to say so, after what has passed – A man of real honour always acts as such under every circumstance – I wish you every happiness which you certainly will feel from a consciousness of acting irreproachably – And now as this is the last letter I shall ever write to you,and as we ought not to see each other again I have one farewell request, that I most earnestly entreat you will grant for my sake, if you have that affection which you <say you> xxxx have for me, you will not, you cannot, indeed you ought not, to refuse me – I hope & believe when I am so earnest with you, you will not do not then, pray do not leave me the legacy you proposed. You must think of me no more, – to be sincere & explicit with you – I must add, that supposing we were both at liberty, I never would be yours, I never will be the wife of any man who could not place entire confidence in me . While your lips <dared to> pronounced the good opinion you pretended to have for me, your heart secretly felt for me the contempt I deserved. Your poetry & the little locket you gave me, I ought not to keep <I xxxxxx> take them back & give them to the daughter you so tenderly love – she has a right to them I have none. Mine I request you will leave with my letters – it never ought to have been in your possession & now farewell. [3]
I have thus done with the unfortunate business thank you for saying you shall avoid the subject in future – I shall think enough of it but this I cannot help. –
13th May – I have just received your letter of the 10th and very glad I am, that I did not send my letter to London till its arrival – I have in consequence struck out the concluding paragraph & upon reflection thought it best to erase others. I have done now, quite done, with this very humiliating affair – thanks, ten thousand thanks to you for your very kind assistance. I am only sorry that I have given you such disagreeable trouble and placed you in so embarrassing a situation – indeed it was very absurd of me to write as I did to your sister [4] but I felt so extremely uncomfortable and having nobody that I could tell my thoughts to, I unhestitatingly wrote to her, as I could not express myself in the same manner to you – Upon reflection I have no kind of objection to your telling her all that has happened – yet do not tell her all my naughtiness neither – however if I leave it to you, I’m sure you will treat me tenderly – To err as you say i[s][5] human – to forgive divine – My mind fro[MS torn] not I hope in quite so morbid a state as to [be][6] incapable of bearing much severer truths than you have spoken – far from being hurt I feel that I have been treated in the most delicate manner – and since you have so kindly asked it, it is impossible for me not to grant most willingly my whole confidence this will be a most certain manner of preventing me from ever again doing any thing I ought to be ashamed of –Your reasoning about Husbands & wives is I think perfectly right —
Poor Miss Thompson, [7] in a little time I will tell you more about her – she seems at present to be very unhappy – it would be well for her if she had a sensible friend who had as much power over her mind as you have over mine. – With my kindest love to your sister, to whom I <am> vexed I wrote such a silly letter – I remain most
truly & thankfully your
A.M.B.
Recd May the 18th 1801 D.G.[8]
Address: Davies Giddy Esq / Tredrea / Marazion / Cornwall
Postmark: B STOL / MAY14 801
Endorsement: 1801 / May the 14th.
Notes
[1] This letter has been endorsed 14 May (date of postmark) but also marked as received 18 May. It was therefore probably written 12 or 13 May.
[2] Here Anna is copying for Giddy the draft of letter she intended to send on his advice to William Wynch, her lover.
[3] On 13 May, while writing this letter, Anna received a letter from Giddy dated 10 May 1801. Having read his advice, Anna made some changes to her draft letter to her lover.
[4] This letter to Mary Philippa Giddy has not been traced.
[5] Conjectural reading, page torn away
[6] Conjectural reading, page torn away
[7] Maria Thompson. See on or before 31 March 1801, note 4.
[8] This dating annotation has been added by Giddy.