Anna Beddoes to Davies Giddy, shortly before 1 January 1808
You are no longer in doubt as to the cause of my silence, but whether you are displeased with <me> is more than I can possibly tell — I have little right to ask you why you are so suspicious, yet I should not have thought it possible that such doubts could have arisen in your mind, such as you have long known me do I still remain sorrow and disappointment have perhaps improved my heart, but I am conscious of no other change than such as time must necessarily bring – my health has within these few weeks been sensibly worse — yet I am now better again, and the hope of seeing you, is a great happiness to me – I do not ask you to believe this – if you do not feel it to be true you must yourself be deceitful – & at this rate what should I care for! —
What I suffered two years ago both in mind and body was too severe for me ever to forget, — from some thoughts – from some scenes I turn myself with violence yet they again recur and with bitterness that I have no words to express
And is it possible that you doubt my wish of seeing you –. Who suggested the prudence of making a short visit? — If I silently assented could you expect more — would you have desired me to excuse your coming all together? —
I feel that I write rather in anger yet when I see you – you will forget that I have so written, & I shall forget that you forced me to do so — In truth & you know it dear Davies, I have tho’ a woman ever been more explicit than you have —
— I can write to others – my heart is at ease, nothing restrains my hand – but to you what have I left to say – nothing but that you never had a sincerer or more tender friend than yours affectly
AMB
Write to me if you have time & let me know when I may expect you –
Endorsement: 1808 / Jany the 1st