1803

Anna Beddoes to Davies Giddy, on or shortly after 2 December 1803 [1]

What you said to me yesterday, – – ‘when you were gone & forgot perhaps’ – convinced me in the most cruel manner how unworthy I am of any good persons attention – you may love me, but at the same time you secretly despise me and to be despised by you is worse than every thing – if I am less kind to you, perhaps I may regain what I have lost in your esteem, to lose what I have gained in your love I can, at least I hope can bear on these conditions – no, not even your persuasive tongue nor even your still more persuasive eyes can make me see myself in any other light than what I really am – a good for nothing woman – when I sat reading the most interesting account of so very of so excellent a son & mother, I felt how very inferior a being you now place your affections upon –

I have a great deal more to say to you but I cannot bring myself to go on —

Notes

[1] This note was written on the blank verso of the address sheet of a letter sent to Dr Beddoes / Rodney Place / Clifton / Bristol // F Burdett, from Bath. This sheet bears the date 23 October. It seems likely that Anna was using this old letter wrapper for her note, as the content makes it clear that the note was written after 1 December 1803. Giddy arrived at Clifton from Exeter on 29 November and on 1 December, Thomas Beddoes being absent, was with Anna ‘at Clifton all day – The evening of this day rather remarkable’ (Giddy’s diary; Cornish Archives MS DG 16). Evidently it was on this evening that their relationship became a physical one, and the note was written while Anna, in reaction, was feeling remorseful and insecure. Thomas Beddoes returned on 2 December. Giddy remained in Clifton; his father and sister were also visiting.